Dear Laurie,
My girlfriend and I lived together for three years in my apartment that I owned. She was going to school and didn’t have much money to contribute to our living expenses. During that time I helped pay for her housing, clothes and food. We broke up a couple of weeks ago and I’m really angry about all of the money I gave her. Even though I never asked her during our relationship to pay me back, now that we are broken up, I want to ask her for $30,000 back or at least half of it. The problem is she doesn’t have any money. I’m okay with the break up, just confused. Do you feel I’m entitled to get my money back?
I hope you pick this question to answer. Thank you.
Mark
Dear Mark,
Thank you for writing in. Your ex-girlfriend was very fortunate to have you helping her out at that time in her life. And, it was very generous and kind of you! I know that I don’t have all of the details of your relationship, but I do know unconditional giving is a gift without attachment or expectations to anything.
Conditional giving says, “I will support you in your life right now while we are together, but if/when we go our separate ways I expect you to pay me back.” If that was the case, then you would have established the money you gave her or put out on her behalf as a loan. And, if it was an agreed loan then by all means you are entitled to recoup your money.
I can’t tell you what to do. Ask yourself, “What was my heart intention when I supported my girlfriend for three years? Was it a conditional gift expecting her to stay with me forever? Was it a loan? Did I willingly choose to support and help her at that time without expecting her to pay me back? Did we discuss that she was going to pay me back?
I have learned when giving of my time, love, energy or money, it’s imperative that my giving is not attached to anything. It’s also important that I feel good about giving. This is unconditional giving. If we give without conditions and expectations then we will not be upset, regretful or angry if something changes. And, life is always changing. Before giving, a good query to ask is, “Would I be comfortable if there were to be a change down the road?” And if yes is your answer then give away!
Mark, I hope you feel good that you were in a position to help another person out in their life while they were furthering their education. I wish you much happiness and may you feel your generosity be reflected back you!
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Laurie Martin has been teaching self-love and personal empowerment for more than 10 years. Her indomitable courage pushed her to transition from her corporate job as a vice president to follow her heart. As a professional speaker, certified life coach, author, advice columnist and writer, Laurie passionately shares her wisdom, tools, exercise, and visualizations to help others connect with their infinite powerful being. She is the author of “Smile Across Your Heart: The Process of Building Self-Love.” Connect with her at www.SmileAcrossYourHeart.com or send an email to LaurieM@SmileAcrossYourHeart.com. Her column will be published the second Friday of each month.