Heart to Heart: Stop being self conscious and accept yourself unconditionally


Dear Laurie,

I spent most of my life being self conscious of what other people think of me. For many years, I didn’t know it was my problem relating to my sense of self worth. I want to feel free to be me. How do I build my confidence?


Dear Irene,

This is a beautiful thing that you are recognizing your shadow side! You are learning about unconditional love for yourself. Practicing unconditional love is the act of appreciation, acceptance, compassion and kindness.

When we are acting self-consciousness, we are saying to ourselves, “They didn’t like me” or “something is wrong with me.” We may feel as if love is walking away or we are not good enough in some way. We are afraid of being rejected.

Our job is to care more about how we feel than how others feel toward us. Don’t reject yourself. Love yourself more now by showing up as your own best friend. Accept every part of you, even your insecurities. Don’t give so much power away to that person or situation.

Let’s take a look at who you think you are and how you are defining yourself. The way we view ourselves is directed related to how we project ourselves, how others relate to us and how we create our life. Many times we are still holding onto a perception of ourselves connected to memories and emotions from when we were younger, such as classmates didn’t like us, we received criticism by a parent, we went through a challenging breakup, or friends walked away from us.

You may be still holding onto your perceptions of life events along with the trauma, sadness, suffering, hurt, rejection and feelings of worthiness from that time period. And you formed a belief or program that said, “People don’t like me.”

Be willing to recognize this is not who you are today. You have grown in many ways. To move past this, it’s important to process those programs and emotions. For more information, I have good exercises on my blog. Please refer to reading other posts on this page on the side bar and watch some of the videos.

To define whom you are today, as a fully empowered, beautiful infinite being, spend time in quiet contemplation and ask yourself, Who am I? What are my passions and talents? What do I enjoy doing, discussing and learning? What are my happy memories of when I felt good about myself? When did I feel the most free and authentic? When did I get myself out of a challenge? When did I exemplify courage and love? What are four words would you like others to use when describing you? Write down all of your information in your journal.

Continue to catch yourself each time you are being self-conscious, self-critical, making someone more important than you, or doubting yourself. When this occurs, place your hands on your heart. Close your eyes and take several big belly breaths. Breathe in unconditional love from the highest source of love. Feel this love in your entire body. Then say, “I draw my energy back to myself. I care about how I feel. Read these affirmations below.

1. I’m filled with love and free to be me.

2. I’m a valuable and lovable person.

3. I unconditionally love and accept you Irene.

4. I’m enough just the way I am are right now.

5. I matter, my voice matters.

6. I’m an equal to everyone and worthy of happiness.

I have found it very helpful when entering a new group of people, instead of focusing on “are they going to like me?” I switch my intention to appreciate interesting and beautiful things within others. This helps expand awareness to look for the goodness and radiance in others and takes the focus off of myself.

Irene, may you accept yourself unconditionally, love yourself unconditionally and set yourself free!

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Laurie Martin is a leading teacher of self-love and personal empowerment. Laurie is a certified life coach, yoga teacher, writer and author of “Smile Across Your Heart: The Process of Building Self-Love” and her new e-book, “The Conscious Breakup Guide.” For more information email her at LaurieM@SmileAcrossYourHeart.com.