Dear Laurie,
My boyfriend and I broke up and I’m so sad even though I know we are done. He says we are just different. I do miss him and the happy times but not our fights. How can I stop wondering if he cares for me and move on?
Patricia
Dear Patricia,
Thank you for your question. After a breakup, when our feelings are still invested, it is normal to want to know if they are thinking about us. Separating ourselves from someone we spent a lot of time with is a process. During this time, be very loving and patient toward yourself while you are grieving.
Focus on what you learned about yourself. How did you show up in this relationship? Were you able to open your heart and express love? Were you authentic? Did you feel like an equal? Did you express your feelings and desires? Were you honest and loyal?
Don’t judge yourself. Take inventory of what you learned, and what you enjoyed about your relationship. Instead of focusing on how he is feeling, it is more important to focus on how you feel and if he has the qualities, values and integrity of a person for you. Did you feel respected? How did he respond when life didn’t go his way? Was he “reactive” to life versus “responsive”? Was his love conditional?
Process your emotions. Allow them to be expressed, felt and heard with loving acceptance. If you are blaming him or yourself, practice forgiveness and trusting everything is in divine order. This relationship was meant to occur, not all relationships last 10, 20 or even 50. Exploring the answers to the above questions helps you to learn about yourself and over time you will feel inner strength and wisdom.
Continue with healthy habits that feel good. Surround yourself with loving and supportive people. Read uplifting and empowering material. Take walks in nature, do yoga, meditate, eat healthy nutritious foods, or practice a meridian tapping technique to balance emotions. Meridian tapping involves tapping on acupressure points and using verbal communication. It helps release negative emotions and brings the body into a state of emotional health.
If you have things you would like to say to him, you can get your emotions off your chest by writing a letter and expressing all of your emotions on paper. You can then throw the letter out if you want. You can also do a visualization seeing the two of you sitting together on a bench and expressing your thoughts to him. At the end of the visualization, thank him for sharing this experience.
Each time your mind wanders to how he feels, remind yourself that your job is to bring your attention back to the present moment. Ask yourself, “What is the most loving thought I can have right now?” You can use affirmations such as: “I’m a beautiful, whole, fully empowered woman. I’m valuable and lovable. I am connected to the whole of everything. I trust my life path. I let him go. I accept this breakup. I love and accept myself.”
Soon, you will adjust, and make new memories, one day at a time. Don’t settle for conditional love. It begins with you loving yourself.
– – –
Laurie Martin is a certified life coach, speaker, yoga teacher, and advice columnist. Laurie is the author of three books: “Language of the Heart: Unconditional Love, Living Fully Empowered,” “Smile Across Your Heart: The Process of Building Self-Love,” and an e-book, “The Conscious Breakup Guide: Navigating Yourself Through the End of Your Relationship.” Her most passionate work is her Smile Across Your Heart course. Laurie’s website is www.smileacrossyourheart.com.