Healthy, supportive, loving relationships are a gift and along with them comes opportunities to increase our communication skills and learn things about ourselves. Two people can say the very same message to us and we could have a different feeling and response. One of the reasons, the energy behind the words feels different. Let’s says person #1 communicates their message through a compilation of emotions such as anger, blame, frustration, they feel disrespected, you did something wrong or bad, total judgment and they feel triggered. We feel this energy, even if their message is attempting to be light or humorous.
Example of Person #2: This person communicates the same message in a sincere, genuine, heart-felt way. The energy felt is just that, genuine, clear, supportive, loving and aligned with their words.
Why is this? Same words, but different energy along with the words.
We are always communicating. Our energy is ALWAYS communicating with our words. If we have envy, feelings of righteousness, frustration, fear, anger, blame, hate, disappointment, dislike or judgment, this is all expressed with the words. Our thoughts. feelings and emotions are always communicating even without words. If our words don’t match the energy, the energy feels murky or confusing. And, the receiver senses something is inauthentic and he or she may feel judged by the anger or frustration or other emotions in the energy.
Another aspect with how communication is heard too, is based on the history with this person. If in the past, something was said that didn’t feel quite right, or was hurtful, these communications can cause mistrust, especially if there was never any conversations to clear the air. Energy doesn’t go away. It is present for all future communications. And, our ego begins to make assumptions and stories about the person. We all do this.
In our past, many of us had conversations with an intent to express from our heart and it didn’t go so well and the person walked out of our life. This may have created fear for us to open up or fear of conflict so we avoid expressing ourselves. We are afraid of our own uncomfortable feelings, and as a “peaple pleaser” we are afraid of hurting others and possibly losing a friend.
Heart to heart communications are important if we choose to sustain deeper levels and healthy relationships. Each relationship is different. Our intuition tells us if a heart to heart communication would even be “heard” or “received”; if the other person would even be open to it. We observe and discern the healthiest way for us to show up. Heart to heart conversations are best to have on the phone, Facetime or in person or zoom, but not really through texting. And, when our intuition tells us it’s time to allow some space, we listen to that too.
Most of our communication is based on our own agenda. Before communicating- we process our emotions and clarify the true intent of our message. We spend a moment closing our eyes, breathing and relaxing, placing our hands on our heart. We ask our heart, “Am I angry, hateful, frustrated, annoyed or disappointed or judging?” If so, why? Am I taking something personal?” If so, “what?” Am I envious or insecure or hurt in anyway?” “Do I have any negative feelings towards this person?” “Am I being triggered from a previous experience?” We can tell that we are triggered by a strong negative reaction to something. If you are being triggered, go into the trigger and ask, “What is this about?” “Do I feel controlled and I don’t like it?” “Do I have an insecurity?” “Why am I creating this story?” “Am I interpreting something as being disrespectful?” “How am I feeling?” “What am I needing?” What would it look like if you didn’t have this story? What would it look like to feel empowered and neutral not allow this to bother you in any way?
It’s important to be very CLEAR of our energy because it all goes together. It is our imprint we are contributing to the world. Once we recognize our emotions, one at a time we observe each one. We get “real”. Welcoming each one in, observing and listening with loving ears. We own what is in us. And, then allow love to dissolve them, transmute them back into love and oneness. We fill ourselves up with unconditional love, let go and ground in our full empowerment as divine, infinite , beautiful, eternal beings of joy, light, love. We unconditionally love ourselves and accept ourselves so much.
Now, from a place of neutrality, we ask ourselves, “What is the intent of my message?” “What do I want to achieve?” “Why do I want to communicate this message?“ “Is my message my own agenda?” “Is my message helpful and kind and necessary?” “What is the best way to communicate?” We are not responsible for how our message lands on the other person. We are responsible for increasing our emotional intelligence by taking responsibility for our energy, this means not just our words, but all of our emotions and feelings behind our words. Like I said earlier, it all goes together, thoughts, feelings, traumas, emotions and our triggers.
Speaking of triggers. Let’s say we do communicate in the most honest and genuine manner and the person still gets triggered by our communication, this happens all the time, even to us. We can’t control how someone perceives our message. We perceive communication based on our own filters, life experiences, hurts, insecurities and level of consciousness, as well as an openness to receive information. We all have our “stories” that support our belief systems, which is so different from one person to the next. We can ask them, “How are you perceiving my communication?”
Clear communication begins with ourselves, uncovering the truth. The clearer we are, the more powerful and genuine our energy will be. May you have many positive relationships that support your highest self including with yourself.
For assistance with relationships, communication, processing and discerning a situation, or for direction and clarity or personal growth, I offer Life Coaching Sessions by phone, face-time or zoom.
Laurie Martin is a certified Life Coach, Certified Yoga Teacher, Author and Accredited Provider of Empowerment & Self-love Classes by the Florida Board of Nursing.